8/6/2007
By Daniel in MI
for BigBlueInteractive.com
“The Outsider’s Report” (TOSR) went deep dumpster diving and managed to obtain the 2nd to last draft of the Media Release for Michael Strahan, the once and possibly future king at left defensive end for the Giants. This appears to be a draft written to be sent to the agent to look at, including notes to himself. As always, TOSR is proud to be the first on the scoop. Although much of what TOSR writes is apocryphal, or at least wildly inaccurate, we do score over most media in two critical ways: (1) we print with environmentally sound ink made entirely of recycled pup seals; (2) we’re free. The draft begins below: To the New York Giants’ Fans:
As many of you know, I am contemplating one of the biggest decisions of my football career (as opposed to my career in Home Appliance Sales and Service, which goes on. Need a Fridge? Call 1-800-Str-ahan!) [can't hurt to get a plug in here], whether I should retire or continue playing. Like all athletes, I knew this day - or, perhpas I should say these weeks - would come when I would have to stand before that proverbial fork in the road. Two roads diverged in a wood, and I didn’t go to work for a couple of weeks to figure out which one to travel by, and that is making all the difference. As the existentialists say, when you stare into the abyss, the abyss stares back. So it is with the abyss between my teeth (which also talks to me sometimes), and so it must be with my future. I must admit that it’s not until you’re actually staring at the two diverging paths do you really grasp how impactful [is that a word? Ask agent to check.] and painful this decision can be. It can really hurt knowing your teammates are toiling in 90+ degree heat while you sit poolside with the cast of Entourage sipping mai tais and chasing skirts. Oh, the pain! I was hoping to make this personal decision quietly and without much hoopla. Naturally, I figured that my not coming to camp would be quiet and raise no questions in the media capital of the world. I assumed there would be perhaps a short blurb on page 28 “Man contemplates retirement.” But given the totally impossible to predict recent torrent [torrent or deluge? Which bespeaks the utter downpour more dramatically? Ask agent.] of erroneous media reports and totally inaccurate assumptions however much veracity they may have, I feel that I have to come forward and publicly and play every problem, complaint, issue, negotiation, dispute, discomfit, irritation, and irk out in the media as is my standard. Only I can set the record straight with those for whom I have toiled the last fourteen years, me, myself, and I. So I explain it to you fans, too, so you’ll get off my back so I can play some golf in peace.
This off season has been one of the best in my professional career. (Note, I said professional, personally it blew.) I have worked extremely hard to make sure that I’m in shape and ready to tackle (tackle, get it?!) the rigors of another physical season. Or, at least the five or so games I am now accustomed to playing before taking the rest of the season off due to injury. I am proud to say that at my body feels years younger and ready to compete at the highest level, and certainly ready to receive a younger man’s compensation and sex life. I love training and preparation, and this off season has made it clear to me that this is one aspect of the game that I will miss tremendously when I decide to one day unstrap the helmet for the last time. Because, as we all know, it is impossible to train and stay in shape if one is not a professional athlete being paid hundreds of thousands to lift weights and run on a treadmill for a couple of hours. I went into this off season with every intention of entering a 15th season with the Giants, the only team I’ve ever played for during my career (Although, it doesn’t HAVE to be: Interested teams call T Condon, today!) Even more so after a certain evil, greedy, avaricious skank took over half my stuff. But I am human, and despite the images of me getting fat like Grimace and tackling a Super Sized Big Mac Combo, I have to face my financial mortality like anyone else. When an athlete like myself who must do that voodoo that I do so well for a living starts having doubts, then it’s time to take a step back and seriously consider my future. The entire nine or so months since I last placed a football game was insufficient time to contemplate these decisions. Clearly, the appropriate time to do so is during the hot, humid, dog days of two-a-day training camp, and the appropriate way to inform my coaches and the team management impacted by my choice is naturally Ð anyone would agree Ð by late night cell phone message. I was all set to text “nt cming 2 camp, lol, c u in 2 wks? Gime mo $!?” But, I realized leaving a voice mail is more personal. Anyone who plays in the NFL with doubts or second guessing is not only putting themselves at risk, but their teammates also. I will never do that. I would Ð on the other hand - undermine my team by putting doubts in their heads about the new coaches, or by complaining about being asked to show up on time. Leadership means never having to say you’re sorry!
What’s been most disappointing - and you should all feel shame, and apologize - has been all of this nonsense that I’m holding out for more money. Perish the thought. The truth is that football has been very good to me, and divorce has been very bad to me. I have been fortunate enough to be surrounded by advisors who have ensured that my family and I will live comfortably for the rest of my life. (Or, at least my ex-family will. I may be eating Raman Noodles soon.) You deserve to know - or more to the point I deserve to tell you - what’s really going on insofar as I want you to believe. My agent met with the Giants earlier in the year and discussed many things including my contract (but also interior decoration, low-fat cooking, whether the gray pants make my butt look fat, and ancient Venician coins). When they did talk about my contract, it had nothing to do with a higher salary. It had to do with more bonus. Part of what I realized this off season is that a 35 year old with three incomplete seasons in a row isn’t going to get good offers elsewhere, so it only seems fair that the Giants (did I mentioned I toiled for them for years?) pay me what other teams won’t. They did it for Sehorn! They did it for Widmer! Why NOT me?
But, money is not the reason that I have not reported to training camp and it will not be a factor for my return. The LACK of money is. This has already been communicated to the Giants and while the reports may indicate a “hard line” taken by the team regarding money, it is not necessary, as this issue had been decided well before July. You know, about the time that I should really have been making this retirement decision.
Despite what some might believe there are those of us who make decisions that have nothing to do with money. Ha! I know! I can’t even write that with a straight face. But, still, it’s not all about the money. Many athletes ask themselves daily if they are emotionally and psychologically at the level where they can compete at the highest level for twenty-four weeks. Can you fans imagine being asked to work for 24 weeks IN A ROW! It isn’t about the money, rather a serious athlete asking serious questions about his future. For example, I ask myself, “Do I want to go to training camp? Do I want to play for Coach Ahab during August twp-a-days? Is this team going to suck again? Haven’t I done enough to deserve the first few weeks of camp off? Can I get some studio jobs to make some big money? Do I have a future in acting? Can I be the triple threat: acting, singing, and dancing? Is what I really want to do direct? Why the heck did I use a ‘do it yourself prenup kit’ from that infomercial?” All that I ask, after fourteen seasons, is that you annoying “fans and media” afford me the patience so that I might arrive at my decision on my own terms. Seriously, nine months may be enough time for nature to build an entire human being from two cells, but it is not enough time to figure out if I want to play football for 4 million dollars for another season.
As GM Jerry Reese has said, the Giants are not going to hold a spot for me. [Wink wink] I completely understand his stance as football is a business [BU$INE$$, feel me?] and he must do what is in the best interest of the team. And if he thinks it’s to let a future HOFer go, hey, that’s on him. I know that I am only one player Ð one extremely large part of the defense and salary cap Ð but still, I’m sure it isn’t that big of a deal if I want to screw around after the free agency period was over creating a distraction while I contemplate the vagaries of life. I want to express my thanks to the owners and coaches for their extremely kind words about my career as a Giant to date. I have been proud to wear the Giant uniform throughout my professional career. You have my word that I will try to make the correct decision as quickly as possible, even if it takes almost all of training camp. If I decide to play, I hope that you will continue to cheer me on like you have for all of these years, at least for the three games I am able to play. If I decide to hang up the cleats, then I will bid you all a tremendous thank you for the privilege to play a game that has blessed me in so many ways and created memories I will cherish for the rest of my life. I humbly thank you for your understanding and being the best fans in the NY metro area except for Jets fans. And Buffalo fans. And Rangers fans. And man, you have to give it up to the fans of the Nets. And, hats off to the fans of the Metrostars. And remember the Cosmos fans with that clapping thing? Ok so, thanks for being somewhere in the top 50% of fans in the tri-state area.
Michael Strahan #92?
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