The Outsider’s Report: Special Dallas Delivery Edition

By Contributor Daniel in MI

Well, The Outsider’s Report staff finally dragged themselves back from Dallas, or “our nation’s suppository” as it is known. It was difficult journey because the intense sun coming through the hole in that toilet bowl of a stadium really makes the hallucinogens kick in. Or, maybe that’s what Jerry Jones’ face really looks like now, it’s so hard to tell. While we at TOSR may not have the fancy journalistic accoutrements of the mass media – like reporters, facts, details, objectivity, pencils, those little notebooks with the spirals at the top that fit in your breast pocket, sobriety, inside contacts, or access to players and coaches – we assure you that we do have a journalistic standard we give the pretense of upholding (assuming it doesn’t get in the way of what we wanted to write). Although much in TOSR is considered apocryphal, or at least disconcertingly close to pure fiction, it does have two important assets over pedestrian media outlets: 1) it’s mercifully short; and b) it doesn’t cost nothin’.

Enough prologue, let’s examine the Giants news from this week. After a disastrous game against the Arizona Cardinals, the Giants were peppered with questions about their decisions and what they would do differently against the Dallas Cowboys. We caught up with Head Coach Jim Fassel who was particularly precise regarding what they would do to improve (compared to usual).

“Well, we’re going to look at some things, and streamline some things” the coach said, honing in like a laser on the issue and using a Venn diagram to illustrate. “We’re going to examine some things, study some things, change some things, discuss some things, and evaluate some things. There are things, and those things will be the focus of some other things, and then we’ll look to establish things. Regarding the aforementioned things. And things. And then there’s stuff.” With that kind of clear plan, we had no doubt the Giants would do some things against the Cowboys, but not other things.

One key to the game was that the coaches were going to “streamline” the playbook to focus on what the Giants do well. We caught up with QB Kerry Collins practicing not throwing swing passes to ask him about the changes. “We’ve been trying to do a lot of things as an offense. I mean, you have runs and passes, inside and outside, short and long…That’s a lot to learn in just a few years! So, we eliminated what we don’t do well.”

Kerry explained, “Running the ball in short yardage was out, that was the first to go. We’ve not been good at that. Running inside? Not good for us. Running outside? No, not been too good there, either. Throwing swing passes late in the half? Woo! That one was so gone! Screens? No. Draw plays? No, that’s a run. Throwing to Dixon? Not really. Throwing to the TE? Mixed results there. Punting? Not a strong point. Red zone? Let’s not even discuss that! Kickoffs? Only so-so. So, basically, once we got rid of all that chaff, we were left with what we will do from now on: Throw medium-range passes to Toomer and Hilliard in the first and third quarters between the 20 yard lines. That’s our new gameplan. Oh, and field goals. We’re good at those. Other than that, we’re thinking about just taking a knee. ‘Just kneel, baby!’ is our new motto.” It’s true, kneeling was a key to the Giants success this week.

A key to the win, we’re told, is that DT Keith Hamilton, or “The Hammer” as he’s known to his teammates (or “The Macabee” as he’s known to the Rosenthal) gave a speech to the team. It really seemed to have some impact. “Oh, yeah, that speech really had some impact,” explained RB Tiki Barber. “I mean, he may not say much, but when he speaks, we listen. I mean, look at the guy, he looks like he just busted out of Oz. I’m terrified of that guy.” Hammer is said to have called out players and told it like it is. We caught up with the Hammer getting a Hummer (he loves military vehicles) to ask him about the speech. “I’m going to tell guys just what I think. That’s how they respect you. If they don’t like it, that’s their problem. I called them out and I called me out. Plus, I owed coach Fassel a big game because I try to play at least one good one for him a year.” We obtained a secretly taped copy of the speech, and it is a hard core speech. We’ve printed our transcript of it below [Warning: May Disturb Some Readers. Read At Your Own Risk.]

“Listen up, y’all. I been asked by the coach to talk to y’all before this here game. We sort of punked out last week, so let me just say sumthin ’bout that: First [clears throat], it’s just so suuuuper to get a chance to talk to you today. We never get to really talk anymore. To really connect as people. I have to say, I feel a lot of love in this room, I really do. A lot of genuine, pure love. It’s just exquisite, isn’t it? You know, we need to care about each other, we are all beautiful people, with really beautiful insides, and I [sniff] just really think each of you are special in your own ways. And that…[oh my God]…is beautiful… Can we all hold hands? Come on take the person’s hand next to you. Jeremy, you too, that’s it. Take Brandon’s hand. Don’t be shy. Look, everyone, we’ve all been through a lot of things. And, maybe we’ve made some bad plays, some mistakes. Bober, maybe you let that guy pound Kerry you were getting out some passive aggression on him. Dhani, maybe you tackle like you’re afraid of real intimacy. And Strahan, maybe you let the Cardinals’ tackle push you around like you two were co-dependent. You were the enabler, Michael. But, let’s not ‘should’ all over ourselves, shall we. What’s done is done. We can only look to the future. And we can look into each other’s eyes, and promise each other that we’ll do the very, very best we can with what God gave us. Even if it isn’t much like Frankie over there. So, let’s go out there, and really just do our best… Oh, and if anyone screws up again, I’ll beat you so bad dental records won’t help identify the squishy reddish pulp that will be left of you. Got me, cupcakes?”

Another story this week was the fact that, despite first-round draft pick TE Jeremy Shockey getting injured, the other Giants tight ends made key contributions. We found TE’s Dan Campbell and Marcellus Rivers preparing for stardom to ask them about their success. “Dan and I are just as good as Shockey,” said Rivers desperately. “Maybe we didn’t come in here and pick a fight with Brandon Short our first day, but I’ve been trying to pick a fight with Short all week to make up for it. Or, you know, maybe just the kicker. I’ll fight him anytime anywhere, when he’s not looking. But forget that, I caught one ball and scored one touchdown. That’s as many as Shockey has! I put points on the board. I want 22 touches a game! You can’t stop a Marcellus Rivers, you can only hope to contain him.” That’s true, and usually it takes something as solid as Gladware to contain that kind of talent.

Campbell, too, felt he deserved the limelight. “I had a 10 yard-per-catch average! I’m a force of nature. I told coach today, ‘No more blocking, give me the damn ball!’ Now, I’m sitting back and waiting for the big endorsement offers.” Unfortunately, his agent tells me that so far he’s gotten only one offer, from Campbell Soup Company who offered him $40 to change his name to “Progresso.”

Finally, we would be remiss if we didn’t comment on big play at the end of the game. Yes, despite battling for four quarters, the Giants almost blew the lead as CB Ralph Brown allowed a Cowboy WR to run free behind him. We caught up with the young corner after his post-traumatic stress counseling to ask him about it. “Well, the problem was one of communication,” he explained. “They wanted me to cover him and not let him score a touchdown on us, but I wasn’t clear on that. I thought we were in, uh, like cover 12 or umbrella blanket, uh, nickel half-dollar uh…I don’t know, you know, Willy Pete is usually out there. I’ve kinda been sleepin’ in those meetings lately. But I had the situation under control. Once he got behind me, I knew just what to do. I started to pray like you couldn’t believe. Prayer is a really a strong part of my game. I’m not that good at covering a guy, or tackling, or catching the ball, I don’t really read plays that good. But, I can pray like you couldn’t believe. I got through half the bible while that ball was in the air. I’ve been brushing up on my prayer for this week, too. We’re at home, and we got that wind to consider, but I don’t think it should impact my praying that much.”

In any case, the Giants escaped Dallas with a win, and now must get ready for the Atlanta Falcons with ex-Giants Head Coach Dan Reeves. We wish Coach Reeves all the success he had during his last few years with the Giants.