Sep 152004
The Outsider’s Report: Eagles “Game” Edition

By Contributor Daniel in MI

Well, the regular season has started not with a bang or a wimper, but more a gasp and gurgle. We at TOSR (The Outsider’s Report) have returned from our various 12-step programs and are getting back into regular season form. Our lack of contacts, informants, league sources, inside information, and integrity has really paid off. As always, although much of what we write is apocryphal, or at least wildly inaccurate, we continue to score over more pedestrian media outlets in two important ways: (1) we’re free; and (2) we show up for meetings 5 minutes after they end. We turn now to Week 1.

The Giants were abused 31-17 the Eagles this week, and careful study of film indicates that when the Eagles weren’t running on the Giants defense at will, they were passing at the Wills. CB Will Allen was a favorite target. Although some speculated his injury was the problem, Allen denied this. “No, I’m fine. That’s no excuse.”

Reporters then asked Allen if he just had a rough day. “No, that wasn’t a rough day. We just didn’t execute like we should have.” We followed that up, “Will, what exactly would a rough day look like?” He described a bad day for us, “They’d pass for like 300 yards, we’d get no turnovers, they’d score like 4 TDs against us, and their star WR everyone knew needed to be covered would get like 3 of them. Now, that’s a rough friggin day!” We pointed out that they threw for 330 yards, 4 TDs, 3 to Owens, and we got no turnovers.” He said, “Oh, we’ll I guess that is a rough day. Damn. Hey, but I’m just coming off an injury.” Allen assured us, however that “come December, no one will remember what happened in September.” Under his breath he added, “By then people will forget this and complain about our missing the playoffs.”

One problem plaguing the team’s offense has been a lack of red zone production, particularly in the passing game. After the Giants failed to score a passing TD from the 1st and 2nd string QBs in the pre-season, fans eased their fears with the knowledge that the Giants were keeping things “vanilla.” Surely a team with this offensive firepower would break out against two young CBs like the Eagles. But, again the Giants scored no passing TDs. We caught up with QB Kurt Warner working on his fumble recoveries to ask about the offense.

“Yeah, we kept things vanilla in the pre-season,” agreed Kurt, “And the coaching staff have decided to keep things more vanilla now. In fact, we’ve moved from plain vanilla to French vanilla (simple as well as cooperating with the other team). We don’t want all of our opponents to know what our REAL offense will look like, so we’re continuing to keep it under wraps. It’s really a brilliant offense, though. Coach says we’ll unveil it in the off-season when we practice in the bubble and no one can see.”

We asked Kurt if he felt confident about the offense going into the game. “Yeah, I felt great about our offense going into this game. I mean, in practice, I’m able to pass seemingly wherever I want against our defense. We get completion after completion to our WRs, TEs, and RBs, you name it. Our blocking is great against our defense, I feel no pass rush, I mean I love playing against…our…defense….Wow, that sounded kinda bad, huh?”

Meanwhile, in the search for something to distract the fans from the disaster on the field is the petty whining off it. Much has been made of the fines levied against Giants players – including Green, Strahan, Cousins, and Emmons – for not showing up the requisite 5 minutes before the scheduled meeting time. We caught up with Coach Coughlin measuring socks with a micrometer and he told us that it is all of this is part of establishing winning discipline. “You’re either on time, or you’re late. On time is on time. And that’s five minutes early. And, since five minutes early is on time, to actually be five minutes early, you need to be there five minutes before five minutes early. So, that’s ten minutes early. That’s on time. But, to be five minutes early for that, you’d better be here five minutes before that. Unless it’s a Wednesday or Thursday on a leap year, or there is a Harvest Moon, it’s Simchas Torah, or the numbers in today’s date sum to a prime number. It’s very simple. Being on-time for team meetings is covered on pages 355 – 488 in the players rule book I gave them Chapter 13, Vol. XXI, 4th Edition. So, be on time for meetings and make sure you’re on the practice field on time. And with long socks, which should be 5 inches longer than short plus 5 inches.”

We caught up with physics professor Dr. Hortence Puffinpanty to explain how 5 minutes early is really on time. “Coach Coughlin is really relying on Einstein’s Special Theory of Relativity which suggests that time is not constant, but actually all relative. For example, if you were to take off in a space ship near the speed of light ½ hour before a team meeting, you might return to Earth and have missed Coughlin’s meeting all together even though time for you will not seem to have progressed more than a minute or two. Wow, I’d hate to be you if you did that. Can you imagine what that fine would be? And God help you if you were wearing sandals on that ship and they were not dress sandals…”

Finally, there is the massive hit put on P. Jeff Feagles by Eagles LB Jeremiah Trotter. Although Feagles complained the hit was helmet-to-helmet, the league counted that in order to qualify as an illegal helmet to helmet hit, the offense had to fall into one of 7 categories. Six of the categories are, of course, defined situations in which the player receiving the hit are vulnerable, and the 7th was the addition of the phrase, “and the player is not on the Giants.” But, don’t worry, DE Michael Strahan has vowed to remember the hit Trotter put on his teammate. “We’ll remember that hit,” warned the Gap Toothed Wonder, “Oh yeah, we’ll remember it. Because, I don’t ever want to get hit like that, so next time we play the Eagles, I’m going to keep my head on a swivel and just go to the ground if I see someone coming. No way I want to get lit up like that. Man, he crushed him! That Trotter can hit!”

So, don’t worry Giants fans, the team will avenge us, or at least play again next week. The Giants are even now feverishly preparing for their home opener against the Redskins, going over strategies for showing up on time to meetings, filing grievances, and discussing what constitutes a dress sandal. Watch out Clinton Portis! And look out Jeff Feagles!

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